Born a Monster

The next day went very differently. Our archers were called to the front right out of the gate, and began firing as the enemy came into range.

Oh, I suppose that was different, too. The enemy archers were quicker to respond to our emergence from the gate. But it was also more piecemeal than the day before.

If you don’t know what a leapfrog is, then we advanced our front row of archers, let them fire a volley, then a second rank of archers would advance past the first row and release theirs. The infantry would advance to where the second rank had come from during this process.

For everyone who knows, we leapfrogged toward the enemy, who mustered before us in groups.

And then, way too early, the Cult of the Octopus (about two dozen of them) screamed and began to charge.

The rest of the... I hesitate to call them a rebel army... let us for now just call them the inmates. The inmate army stood their ground, leaders looking at each other. A few horn blows and waving flags later, and they were advancing – slowly.

One volley, and then another, ripped into the ranks of the Octopus. They may not have been much in the brains department, but I have to admit they seemed fearless to me. In the center of our line, the archers fell back, replaced by heavily armored warriors. I saw town guard and wall sentinels, but there may have been others in that mix as well.

The cultists didn’t all die, nor did they fall at once, nor were they the only ones who fell in that skirmish. But by the time the inmates reached charge range, their part of the battle was over. Our front rank had held.

.....

The inmates came marching up to us, and then stopped, easily within charging range, but out of range of hurled spears. Their sergeants ranged up and down the lines, ordering their ranks. Ours did the same.

Our squad was supposed to be in the second rank, but we were moved up to support the front rank, and the reserves moved up to our normal position.

And then we just stood there, scratching at spots of drying sweat and staring at each other for a long minute.

“Meng Zhong,” Meng Wa said, “My cousin.”

I looked where she was looking. Across the battlefield, a lithe woman, black hair down to her waist, was moving forward. Her breastplate had two silver foxes circling each other on a field of black iron. Without hesitation, she raised her spear, screamed, and brought the tip downward to face us.

Like a breaking dam, their ranks closed with ours.

“I LIKE your sister!” Tang Ning said, “We should all sit down and play tiles after this war.”

“Go suck on a squirrel!” she replied.

“Mommy Meng, your child just has atrocious manners. Do you need a pickle?”

Over the sounds of battle, Meng Wa’s empty stomach grumbled.

It was a dangerous time to laugh, for the enemy were soon upon our front rank. We, the second, were close behind them, filling the gaps where they fell or became too wounded to remain.

The dogs, I think, were the most telling. Whereas yesterday they had been among us, today they stayed at or behind the lines, pulling their soldiers backward to safety.

Then it was my turn at the front, initially standing over a screaming man, missing at least two fingers from his sword hand. When they pulled him loose, he kicked my ankles, and very nearly sent me sprawling.

What the HELL? A speartip, a sword, and some sort of ring-staff-flail thing all sought my life. Why me? I couldn’t think of a single thing that made me more or less deadly than my fellow soldiers.

“Fu Dog Kumanchu, come forth!” screamed the ring-staff bearer. “Use this dragon-spawn as your chew toy!”

With a roar like a lion, a ball of light emerged from the staff, grew to about my size and started to take on dog-like proportions.

I am told that I cussed like a sailor; I do not deny this, although I don’t remember it clearly.

I reached into a pouch of cornmeal at my side... and found it all but empty. “Who has my cornmeal?” I asked, using impolite words from three different Daurian languages.

“You were asleep!” Lian Zhi shouted. “I was hungry! I didn’t know! I’m sorry, just please KILL THAT THING!”

I wasn’t about to kill anything, beset as I was by enemies. But I could cast...

“Slumber!”

The magic tugged at my cornmeal pouch, and ended up taking my entire belt. So if you’re ever wandering the Dreamtime and come across a black leather belt with a lacquered wooden sword sheathe, that Y-like symbol on it is supposed to be my forked tongue.

Oh, and by all means keep it. I got a replacement later that day; I don’t need it back.

The bearded dog yawned, planted his butt on the ground and yawned again. “Huang Lan, do you have any rice wine?”

“We’re in the middle of battle!” he screamed, moving in to attack me again. “Nobody here has rice wine!”

“Oh. Well then, I’m going to head this way. Maybe people back at this camp here have some.”

“By your collar, I command you!” Huang Lan screamed.

The dog sighed. Was it my imagination, or did he roll his eyes? “Ugh. It’s NOT a dragon-kindred, you mortal minded dolt. But...”

He whipped his head around like an owl. “Boo!” he said.

[I’ve Seen This Before has activated.]

I rotated my head until it was upside down. “Boo, yourself.”

“Ooh, flexible AND playful!” he responded. “BACK, MORTALS! STAND BACK, AND BEHOLD MY FURY, FOR I AM FU DOG KUMANCHU, AND...”

I popped open the canteen. “Tick spirit, come forth.”

“Not for command of all the hells! That’s a FU DOG, it’ll pop my soul open like a ripe grape.”

“Look, if I Taunt it, it’ll attack me and you can sneak in and bite its flank.”

Fu Dog Kumanchu cleared his throat. “Pardon me, but firstly, that won’t work, and secondly that’s incredibly rude, even for battle.”

“Yeah.” Said the tick spirit. “Plus, he can bite me on his flank.”

“Maybe the nape of the neck?” I suggested.

“No!” said the tick spirit.

“No!” said the fu dog. “Look, I’ve got nothing against either of you. You in the canteen, go find some rice wine for us to share.”

“Say no more!” said the tick spirit. “Rice wine, here I come!”

When they want to, spirits can travel very fast.

“Well, now, ocean creature. We are about to fight. Is there anything you would like to discuss, first?”

“If we have time, I would like to cut a length of rope and run it through the belt-loops of my pants. Just in case, they aren’t loose just yet.”

“Those seem to have torn loose.” He said.

I felt around my waist. “My apologies, you seem to be right.”

“Fu Dog Kumanchu, I order you to stop wasting time and attack right now!” Huang Lan hollered, waving a copy of the thing in his left hand.

“Ugh.” He said, scratching at the actual collar.

“I’m sorry, is that made of pure gold?”

“Yes, but... prepare to die.”

His strike was almost deliberately clumsy, for all of its speed. My shield buckled, and his jaws closed about my shoulder pad, folding the metal like a pancake.

I struck at his exposed neck.

[You have scored a YELLOW critical for double damage!]

The blow sent sparks into the ground, the air, some of them landing on the shoes of the next combatants over.

Kumanchu howled. “MORTAL FOOL! YOU DARE THINK I HAVE THE SAME WEAK POINTS AS YOU!? YOUR BLOW HAS DONE...”

About sixteen pounds of metal smacked into the ground.

“OH,” he said. “I GUESS THAT’S NOT NOTHING... Hey, Huang Lan, join me back at the camp for some rice wine when you’re done here.”

“What? But... but... celestial orders! You CAN’T just do this!”

Kumanchu raised his left leg to let out a fart in Huang Lan’s direction. “Convince someone who isn’t already doing just that.”

“No, no, nonono! Come back here!” he screamed, setting off in pursuit.

Having a moment to myself, I tsked at the condition of Heart’s Protector. I had JUST sharpened that blade!

I raised my shield to deflect someone’s thrown sword, which bounced off to return to his hand. “Ren Hai has arrived!” he shouted.

I parried low and right with Heart’s protector, catching a six-pointed star and deflecting it to the side.

“Ren Nuan has also arrived.” She shouted. “Together, we are...”

“THE SWORD-WIELDING SIBLINGS!”

“You didn’t announce yourselves yesterday.” I said.

“There was no bounty on you yesterday.” Ren Nuan replied.

“Wait, bounty? WHY?”

“We didn’t ask; we still don’t care.” Ren Hai said.

“We’d have done this for free.” Ren Nuan said, circling to my right.

I took in a deep breath, and sighed.

This was just going to be one of THOSE days.

.....