Novel Bin Chapter 108: June 1st (Tuesday) – Ayase Saki
Chapter 108: June 1st (Tuesday) – Ayase Saki
Walking home from school, I looked up at the sky through the gaps between buildings.
During class, the sky was nothing but blue, but now white clouds had crept in.
The sun was hidden and when the wind touched my skin it made me shiver. I rubbed the arm sticking out of my short-sleeved shirt.
It\'s getting a little chilly, and I wonder if it\'ll rain.
When I lowered my gaze I noticed a crack in the sidewalk. For some unknown reason, it annoyed me, so I kicked it with my loafer.
...Ow.
It actually hurt. Well, duh.
"What am I doing?" I muttered to myself, but the words were snatched away by the wind before anyone could hear them.
I trudged my way home through the busy streets near Shibuya Station, feeling defeated.
Today we got our midterm exam results back, and I\'m not pleased about it in the slightest.
Along with graded answer sweets for each subject, we were handed a report card with average scores for the entire grade, the school\'s standardized score, and our personal rankings.
Mine had fallen.
Both my ranking and averages.
I ended up doing worse than in my second year, and dark despair filled my vision. I was too scared to even look at Asamura-kun, so I\'d practically run from the classroom.
"Why...?" I muttered. I didn\'t need to ask though, I already know the reason.
I don\'t want to admit it, but now that things have come to this, I can\'t keep looking away from it.
Asamura-kun. It\'s the very existence of the homosapien Asamura Yuuta. Specifically, my weakness for being completely entangled with that existence. And his existence was affecting my concentration while studying. Yep, it\'s safe to say my days as Asamura Yuuta\'s Stepsister were the root cause of all problems… Okay, Saki, just chill.
Stay calm. Don\'t panic.
I can\'t ruin the life my Mom and her partner are building now. There was no way parents with a teenager facing entrance exams the following year would move in together without considering that teenager\'s future. My Mom had told me that if it seemed too difficult we could live separately until I graduated, and she\'d even wait until then to get married.
I\'d turned around and stubbornly insisted I\'d wait it out and start living alone after graduating. That\'d lowered the hurdle for my Mom and step-dad to get married.
I wanted her to be happy. I didn\'t want her to postpone her marriage or give up on it for my sake. I\'d gone to the Asamura family home fully aware of the risks.
That\'s why I told Asamura-kun in no uncertain terms that I didn\'t expect anything from him, and I didn\'t want him to expect anything from me. I wanted to keep my distance from him.
And yet…
Why is it that I can\'t control my own feelings and have them do what I want?
"What should I do?"
I didn\'t want to go home with these feelings, so I walked into the first fast-food restaurant that caught my eye.
It might be my first time I\'ve ever gone into a place like this alone in my school uniform. I sat down, holding the single cup of hot coffee I ordered. Resting my elbow on the table, I took small sips of the brown liquid as I lost myself in thought.
Time to organize and consider the situation as it currently stood. The first part\'s easy, my grades had dropped despite being a stone\'s throw away from entrance exams.
A trial began in my mind.
[Plaintiff]—Me.
[Defendant]—Me.
[The public gallery]—Me.
[Judge]—Also me.
[The charge]—A decline in academic performance.
First, it\'s the prosecution\'s arguments for the plaintiff.
—"The cause is Asamura Yuuta! He should be erased from existence!"
—"Objection!" The lawyer on the defendant\'s side shouted.
The judge banged her gavel, silencing the courtroom, and told the prosecutor to elaborate.
The entire room, including the audience, went quiet. Everyone\'s expression was serious. By everyone, I meant all the me\'s.
The prosecutor spoke up again.
—"It\'s clear that Ayase Saki\'s concentration on her studies has declined."
No one objected. It\'s an undisputed fact.
—"The cause is Asamura Yuuta. His presence flashes in my mind, causing the words in front of me to dance on the textbook, my pen to stop, and my hippocampus to engage in sabotage!" I rattled off all at once.
The 7-year-old me in the audience, who was curious about what \'hippocampus\' meant, tilted her head. The 13-year-old me, whose eyes were filled with anguish due to my biological father\'s harsh treatment of my Mom, shrugged her shoulders, and the 17-year-old me explained, "The hippocampus is a part of the brain that decides whether to remember what you\'ve learned for a long time or not."
In short, the prosecutor\'s just using complicated words to say the defendant\'s slacking off in their studies. Important people tend to use complicated words.
As a side note, there were no objections that time either. Apparently, Ayase Saki agrees with everything up until this point.
—"As such, the defendant lacks concentration in their studies, and the reason is clear. The defendant is more concerned with the existence of Asamura Yuuta than with their studies."
The prosecutor glared at the defense after saying that, and the defense lawyer glared right back.
The judge turned to the defense.
—"Do you accept the prosecutor\'s statement?"
—"We do," the defense lawyer answered.
What!? I screamed internally. They\'re accepting it!? Well, yeah, I guess it does bother me. It\'s about the person I... like.
—"But, Your Honor!" The defense lawyer began their rebuttal. Good for them.
—"The defendant became aware of their romantic feelings for Asamura Yuuta when…"
M-m-my romantic feelings?! I screamed again internally. What an embarrassing way to say it.
In the courtroom of my mind, a me in the public gallery frantically waved her hands in front of her face in embarrassment.
The judge banged the gavel again. "Silence, Ayase Saki!" they yelled.
Why am I telling off myself...?
—"I\'ll continue. The defendant, Ayase Saki, became aware of her feelings of love, or rather, affection, far before becoming a third-year high school student. If directing these feelings toward a male student were the cause, the decline in grades would have happened far in the past!"
The defense lawyer\'s argument was logical. This defense lawyer is smart! Well, that\'s also me though.
There in my mind\'s courtroom, it struck me.
The decline in my grades started when I became a third-year student... Why is that?
—"Objection!" The prosecutor shouted.
—"I haven\'t said the reason for my romantic feelings!"
I gasped.
Despite it only being make-believe, I waited for the prosecutor\'s next words with bated breath.
—"The cause of this situation is clear. The situation worsened when the defendant became a third-year high school student, meaning there was a change in the defendant\'s environment."
Ah, yes. That\'s true.
—"The defendant, Ayase Saki, confirmed her mutual feelings with Asamura Yuuta in the latter half of her second year, and a romantic agreement is considered to have been made at that point."
M-m-my roman–. Before I could finish the word, the judge banged her gavel.
Fine, I\'ll shut up.
—"Furthermore, they embraced each other on the suspension bridge at Palawan Beach, exchanged kisses, and even fell asleep together in bed. So, I ask the defendant…"
A stray bullet flew in my direction.
—"How did you feel the day after you fell asleep together?"
I dug through my memories. The day after I fell asleep with Asamura-kun... Yes, for the first time in my life, I slept during class. I was careless. My academic performance definitely took a hit…
—"No, no, I\'m not talking about your studies. How did you feel?"
Huh? Oh, right. I remember feeling gloomy all day. I made mistakes even at work. When I got home, I fell asleep with my headphones on. I couldn\'t help it, I was so sleepy that I just drifted right off.
—"The defendant, Ayase Saki, seems to be consciously trying to forget, but was suffering from significant sleep deprivation at the time."
I gasped.
— "This was because, since becoming a third-year student, she had been unable to concentrate, her exam studies had not progressed, and she continued to spend more and more time studying. She stayed up late at night studying at her desk, but still couldn\'t finish."
Ah…
—"It wouldn\'t have been surprising if she fell asleep during class any time before that. However, she didn\'t until that particular day. So what was so special about that day?"
Oh no, this is bad. I was starting to come to a conclusion that I don\'t want to accept, and I don\'t want to hear it. Don\'t say it, don\'t say it, don\'t say it, don\'t say it, don\'t say it, don\'t say it.
—"The defendant found peace of mind by embracing Asamura Yuuta the night before!"
Ah.
Ahhh!
—"Well, to put it simply, you were relieved and took a breath, and then your guard dropped!"
With a scowl, the prosecutor pointed at me in the defendant\'s seat.
Don\'t point at people. I want to bite that outstretched finger. Cornered, I glared at the prosecutor with that thought in my head. Hold on… I\'m the prosecutor too.
The defense lawyer shrugged.
—"Ah, yes. I agree."
How dare they.
— "You let your guard down, right? You were relieved, and then all the fatigue you had been holding in came out at once. That\'s why you were feeling gloomy."
Wait a sec. Why am I being hung out to dry by both the prosecution and the defense?
The judge adjusted her glasses.
—"Hmm? So, what conclusion are we drawing?"
The prosecutor and defense lawyer both start speaking at the same time. In my mind\'s courtroom, I heard the exact same words from both sides.
—" "The conclusion is obvious." "
—"For the defendant, Yuuta Asamura is like Linus\'s blanket![1] Only when wrapped in it can she sleep peacefully, and without it, she becomes anxious and can\'t sleep. The defendant has been in the same class as Yuuta Asamura since becoming a third-year student, and one could say their distance has become closer. Nevertheless, their interaction has decreased compared to their second year. In the ongoing state of lacking her security blanket, Asamura Yuuta , her sleep deprivation is causing an abnormal lack of concentration in her studies. The defendant is suffering from a serious case of Yuuta Asamura deficiency!"
[1: A Linus blanket is any object, habit, or behavior that provides comfort and security, named after the character in Peanuts who was attached to his blue blanket. See: security blanket.]
A-an Asamura Yuuta deficiency!?
As the prosecutor and defense lawyer finished their statements, the 7-year-old Saki, the 13-year-old Saki, and the 17-year-old just-before-meeting-him Saki each had their own reactions. The 7-year-old Saki exclaimed, \'Wow!\' The 13-year-old Ayase Saki was surprised, saying, \'I can\'t believe it.\' And the just-before-meeting-him 17-year-old Saki nodded deeply, remarking, \'I see.\'
No one raised any objections. Everyone\'s expressions showed that they were convinced.
Seriously?
...But, if it were really true, what would I do?
Is my lack of concentration really due to a serious lack of Asamura Yuuta? To be more direct, does that mean I need more hugs, kisses, and nights spent sleeping together? If I get enough of those, will I go back to how I was in second year?
But, the next words the prosecutor uttered came as a shock.
—"I recommend taking away the \'Linus\' security blanket\' from Ayase Saki."
—"And break up with Asamura Yuuta!"
How did it come to that?!
Ahhh!
I instinctively covered my mouth with both hands. Huh? I\'m not actually screaming in real life right now, am I?
As I opened my eyes, I cautiously looked around the restaurant. Relief washed over me. Nobody was staring at me. It seemed that I only shouted in my mind. My heart pounding, I drank the remaining coffee I was holding.
I\'m terrified by the frightening conclusion that\'d surfaced in my mind.
Was I really considering what would happen if Asamura-kun were gone...?
Beep!
I was startled by a message notification. When I checked my phone, I had a LINE message from Maaya.
[Hiya Saki~? What\'s up?? BTW I\'m always here if you need to chat you know~? Woof woof?]
...Oh Maaya.
The message was accompanied by a laughing puppy stamp. I felt a moment of comfort. How\'d she know? Her timing was too perfect.
I felt a strong urge to ask for her advice. Maaya is the only female acquaintance of mine I feel comfortable talking to.
But she\'s getting ready for entrance exams too, so I don\'t want to bug her.
What should I do?
If I don\'t somehow solve my Asamura-kun problem, there\'s no way I could take the Tsukinomiya Women\'s University entrance exam.
Isn\'t there someone who could listen to my concerns and give me advice without causing me emotional pain?
…Conveniently helpful people like that don\'t exist. Unlike the stories, there aren\'t any fairy godmothers who appeared before you, waving their magic wand when you needed them most.
Suddenly, the face of a certain person popped into my head.
I rummaged through my bag, wondering if I still had it. At the bottom, I found a folded piece of paper with a simple email address written on it. Yep, I still have it.
I remember being handed it at the Tsukinomiya Women\'s University\'s open day. Professor Kudou had told me, "If you have any problems, please contact me."
I mustered up my courage and sent off an email. Then, as I was getting up from my chair to go home, my phone beeped.
It was the email notification sound.
When I checked it was an email from Professor Kudou. I almost couldn\'t believe my eyes.
"It hasn\'t even been five minutes…"
I sat back down and opened the email.
『I\'ll be waiting in the room we were in last time.』
...Huh?
Wait, what? Is she telling me to come? Like, right now?
As I held my head in my hands, my phone beeped again.
『If you want, you can bring that Asamura-kun boy with you. I don\'t mind.』
"No way…"
I quickly checked the email I\'d sent. But no matter how many times I read it, there wasn\'t a single mention of Asamura-kun\'s name other than the fact that I wanted to talk about something.
How did she know!?
I placed the empty coffee cup on the tray and finally stood up from my seat.
***
I got off the train and passed through the ticket gate.
A damp wind clung to my body.
It was still too early for the rainy season, but heavy, oppressive clouds threatened to release silver droplets at any moment. I hoped it didn\'t rain before I got there.
As I looked up at the gray sky, my eyes were pulled downward, as if succumbing to the oppressive weight of the looming clouds.
The only thing I could rely on for a sense of stability was the solid asphalt beneath my feet. I kept my eyes down and hurriedly moved my feet.
I finally arrived at the entrance of the university, where I\'ve only visited once before.
But today was a regular weekday.
Unlike the open day, it wasn\'t in "Welcome mode" for outsiders. There weren\'t any signs, and no one else was wearing a high school uniform like me. From the red-brick gate, tactile paving extended towards the back of the campus. A security guard stood a short distance in, eyeing everyone entering the campus.
Is it really okay for me to go in?
My phone buzzed in my pocket. I took it out—yet another email from Professor Kudou. It said to show the email to the security guard if I was questioned.
I instinctively looked left and right nervously. Am I being watched? There isn\'t any reason to think so, but Professor Kudou was reading my every move so well it sent a chill down my spine.
I gathered my courage and was about to take a step forward—and stopped. A group of university students walked through the gate. I quickly moved to the side to avoid colliding with them. The group said their goodbyes and scattered in different directions. I breathed a sigh of relief.
"Hey, you. Do you have some business here?"
I was so startled I thought my heart might leap out of my mouth.
I turned around to see two familiar faces… a pair of women from the group I\'d seen earlier. One was remarkably tall, while the other woman was petite and looked a bit like a small animal. They were both staring straight at me.
"Uh, well…"
"That uniform. I feel like I\'ve seen it before," the tall woman said in a slightly husky voice.
"It\'s Suisei," the petite woman next to her pointed out.
"Huh? We weren\'t talking about pens."
"No, no. Don\'t be silly, Shizu-chan. We weren\'t talking about oil-based and water-based pens. Look, it\'s from Suisei High School. It\'s a school on the other side of Tokyo where really smart kids go."
While saying "That way," she pointed towards the station, but Suisei High was actually in the opposite direction.
They made for an odd pair. The petite woman gave off a delicate and fragile vibe and the other woman, probably near abouts 170cm tall, towered over her.
The tall woman nodded in understanding at the petite woman\'s words.
"So, do you have any business at our school? I don\'t think we\'ve had an open campus yet this year."
"Um, no, that\'s not it. Well, um, I was called here by Professor Kudou."
As the hesitant words left my mouth, both their expressions. changed dramatically.
"Ah—"
"Poor thing."
Huh? Huh? Huh?
"Got it. Okay, we\'ll show you the way."
"Huh? Oh, it\'s okay. Um...I know where it is."
"What a shame. You\'ve already been ensnared."
"Shizu-chan, don\'t say it like that!"
The pair of them went back and forth as they sandwiched me from both sides. What? Wait a sec.
"Anyway, don\'t worry about it. It\'ll be easier if we go together."
"Yeah, yeah. Don\'t worry, it\'s fine, it\'s fine."
"We have to guide Professor Kudou\'s guinea pi– uh, I mean, our guest properly, right?"
"Mmm-hmm."
Wait, did they just call me a guinea pig!?
"H-hey, don\'t pull my hands so hard, please."
They grabbed my arms firmly from both sides and led me into the campus.
Professor Kudou\'s room was the same as the place I visited last time. The odd pair brought me to the door, said their goodbyes, and left.
While they were dragging me along, they told me they were both students of Professor Kudou\'s. Despite all the fuss, I was able to get this far without being stopped and questioned thanks to them. So, I\'m grateful. Not to mention that they\'d both been on their way out the gate when they stopped to help me.
Still, they said a lot of things that made me anxious. Things like, "If something happens, run away immediately" or "Make sure to secure an escape route and don\'t let Professor Kudou stand between you and the door."
Is Professor Kudou secretly an assassin or something?
Standing in front of the door, I took several deep breaths. I\'ve come this far. I can\'t turn back now.
Knock, knock, knock.
No response.
Hmm?
I tried turning the doorknob gently.
It was open.
...Maybe she stepped away for a minute? I peeked my head in a little to take a look.
"Um... is anyone here?"
Still no response came, and I couldn\'t see anyone through the gap I was peering through. Wait, hold on. Is that someone\'s foot I can see on the other side of the sofa, between the legs of the desk and chair? They were barefoot. They were lying on the floor near the window, and I could see the hem of a white coat. Did someone collapse?
I hurriedly opened the door and went inside. I ran over to the desk and looked at their face—Professor Kudou.
"Are you okay!?"
"Mmm...?"
She\'d been lying on her side sleeping.
She opened her eyes and let out a big yawn—wait, a yawn?
"Um, well…"
"Saki-kun. You missed one train, didn\'t you?"
"Eh?"
Professor Kudou slowly sat up and took her right hand out of her pocket. She was holding a smartphone. She placed the phone on the table, casually dusted off her lab coat, and stretched her arms towards the ceiling.
"Mmm."
"Were you sleeping?"
"Want me to say \'good morning\'? Okay, good morning."
So she really was sleeping.
This person was surprisingly mischievous.
"...yes, good morning."
"Mm. Well, take a seat."
She motioned for me to sit on the sofa. I remembered sitting on that very sofa when I came to the open day.
"Let\'s make some coffee. It\'ll wake me up."
"I\'m fine thanks, I just had some."
"Then, how about tea like last time? No, actually, I have something better. Gyokuro[2]."
[2: Gyokuro is a prized Japanese green tea that has a sweet and delicate flavor, a bright green color, and health benefits. It is grown under shade and brewed at a lower temperature, and is highly valued for its unique taste.]
As she said that she pulled open a tall cabinet that looked like it was for storing cleaning supplies. It was packed with documents, but one shelf held teaware and tea leaves instead.
...How carefree.
"Gyokuro is expensive, isn\'t it?"
"It\'s in tea bags."
"...so it\'s cheap?"
"It\'s on the expensive side as far as tea bags go. Have you ever tried gyokuro?"
"I have, but it seems like a waste to put such high-quality tea leaves in a tea bag..."
"If you look at it from the perspective of getting the full experience of drinking luxury tea, I guess you could call it a waste. But the ingredients aren\'t any different, and it\'s convenient, so I use it."
As she spoke Professor Kudou busily moved around the room. She boiled water in an electric kettle, warmed a teacup for tea, and brewed gyokuro using a tea bag.
She lined up both the cups on the glass table between the sofas facing each other and rummaged through the cabinet again to take something else out. It looked like a bag of snacks. She tore it open and spread the contents out on the table. They were salted potato chips.
"To go with the tea."
"...Ah, yes. Thanks very much."
Suddenly, I noticed something and stared at Professor Kudou\'s feet as she sat crossed-legged in front of me.
"Why are you barefoot?"
"Because I was hot," She gave me a look like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"So, were you sleeping down there because it was hot?"
"No, that\'s another reason. I just did it out of curiosity."
"Curiosity?"
"Yeah, you know, when couples sleep together, they usually face each other, right?"
"Really?"
"You can\'t kiss otherwise, can you?"
K-kiss? Why\'s she suddenly talking about that?
"That means one person has their left side down, and the other has their right side down. I suddenly became curious about whether that might be related to the lifespan and health tendencies of men and women."
"U-uh…"
I wondered what she meant. Sensing my puzzled expression, Professor Kudou began to explain in a reluctant tone.
According to her, the position you sleep in can have a significant impact on your health. Sleeping with your left side, where your heart is, can naturally compress your heart and put a strain on it. On the flip side, sleeping on your right side can compress your stomach and cause digestive problems.
Is that really true? Is she pulling my leg?
"But people say we toss and turn during the night, don\'t they?"
"That\'s right. If you\'re sleeping alone in a big bed or futon, that\'s how it is. But what if a couple is sleeping in the same bed?"
"Well... they would bump into each other."
"Right?"
"I guess."
I see, so the possibility of turning over is limited in a case like that.
"Do you get it? There might be a difference in the impact on the body between sleeping in a restricted environment and being able to freely turn over when you\'re sleeping alone."
"I understand what you\'re saying, but…"
Take a married couple sleeping in the same futon or bed for example.
"For instance, if we take a large sample of couples who sleep on the same bed or futon, we may find that there is a tendency for one person to sleep on a particular side rather than it being completely random."
"Are there any stats that show men are more likely to sleep on one side of the bed than the other?"
Considering the probability of it being 50/50, there might be a difference in the ability to freely turn over in bed, but I figured it shouldn\'t have any correlation to gender.
"I feel like men often sleep on their left side in bed."
"What\'s your basis for that?"
"Sure. When facing each other, sleeping that way would mean their dominant right hand was free! Don\'t you think that\'s important for men?"
I wonder if that\'s true.
After mulling over it for a while, I recalled that when I fell asleep with Asamura-kun I was still in his arms when I woke up. That meant neither of us could turn over at the time.
—Which side was I sleeping on?
—No, what am I thinking?
It doesn\'t matter which side I was on.
Oblivious to my inner turmoil, Professor Kudou happily continued her explanation.
"I don\'t know if that\'s a real tendency or not, but if it is, it could lead to the discovery that the cause of health differences previously believed to be due to gender differences is actually due to imbalances in married life."
...Do you always think about stuff like this normally?
"I understand the logic, but... there\'s not a whole lot of evidence to go by…"
"Well, it\'s just something I only thought of right now. I\'m planning to fish through some research papers later."
"So you\'re going to fish through research papers, huh."
I\'m not sure if she\'s passionate about research or just has too much free time.
"I understand your thought process, but did you really have to sleep on the floor?"
"I just wanted to lie down and think, and the floor felt cool and comfortable."
"And you fell asleep."
"Yep. Then I blacked out after like 5 minutes."
Her excuse was kinda weak.
"Besides, It\'s your fault for being late. You missed the train and then took more than five minutes to get from the school gate to here."
"How\'d you know I missed the train?"
"Well, if I factored in your route from Suisei High School and the time you sent me the email, I could guesstimate where you were after school. And, since you didn\'t arrive when I predicted you would, I just assumed you either missed the train or were pulled up by the guard at the gate."
"And then you sent me another email."
"Correct."
And in the five minutes or so it took me to get there, she fell asleep.
"Well... never mind. So, about the email you sent me…"
Professor Kudou was grinning from ear to ear. "Alright, bring it on," her face seemed to say. She puffed out her chest arrogantly and switched over the leg she had crossed.
"Alright, give it to me. Tell me all about Ayase Saki\'s troubles."
***
I laid it all on the table.
About my relationship with Asamura-kun, and the resulting lack of concentration and decline in my grades. I knew that, ideally, we\'re supposed to work things out together, but we couldn\'t, so the stress from all our hidden frustrations kept piling up and was affecting my grades.
Hearing that, Professor Kudou asked me to share more about my upbringing.
I didn\'t really want to talk about it, but I told her bits and pieces about my biological father and my Mom\'s relationship, and how it affected my way of thinking. I tried to cut some parts out that I thought were unrelated, but it still took quite a while. I simply wasn\'t used to opening up like that.
Listening to the end, Professor Kudou closed her eyes, clasped her hands in her lap, and sat stock still as she processed everything in silence.
She looked like a statue, so for a second I was worried she\'d turned to stone—if not for the occasional flutter of her eyelashes to confirm she was in fact still alive.
"Hmm…"
"U-um…"
She slowly opened her eyes and looked up at the ceiling, mumbling something to herself. I couldn\'t quite make it out.
"So those are your concerns, Ayase Saki."
"Yes."
I sat up straight on the sofa. Professor Kudou stared at me intently, making me feel like she had X-ray vision or something. I felt completely exposed.
"Saki-kun."
"Yes?"
"My dream for the future is to become the village elder in an RPG."
"Come again?"
What on earth was she talking about?
"You know, like the retired old man in a block of flats, you\'d see in a rakugo. When characters like Hattsan, Kuma-san, or Yotarou come to seek advice, he sometimes says helpful things, sometimes just pretends to know, and sometimes says meaningless things."[3]
[3: Kuma-san, and Yotaro are characters in rakugo, a traditional form of Japanese comedic storytelling. Yattsan is known for his wit, Kumasan for his irreverent stories, and Yotaro is a determined apprentice rakugo performer.]
"So he doesn\'t always give useful advice..."
Why would you ask him for advice at all then…?
"Of course not! Elders and retirees are just people who have lived long lives and know a little about old things. That\'s their only redeeming quality."
"Is that really okay?"
"If someone wants to know traditional names for their children to wish them a long life and goes to an expert in ancient languages or history, it\'s a hassle for the expert, isn\'t it? It\'s not like there are temple priests nearby like in the old days. That\'s when the role of the elder comes in, to teach you things like \'jugemu jugemu.\'[4] And if you really need to know something specialized, it\'s best to ask an expert. Elders have wisdom like being able to thinly slice a daikon radish to make it look like kamaboko[5] or make pickled daikon[5] look like tamagoyaki.[5] That\'s the kind of wisdom that comes with old age."
[4: Jugemu Jugemu is the name of a well-known Japanese folktale that is often used as a nonsensical chant or song. The story involves a boy with an extremely long name and his attempts to get people to remember it. The name is often used in Japanese popular culture as a way of expressing absurdity or confusion.
5: Kamaboko: A popular Japanese food item made from white fish paste that is formed into a loaf and then steamed.
Daikon: A large, white radish that is a staple of Japanese cuisine. It is often grated or sliced thinly and used as a garnish or condiment for various dishes.
Tamagoyaki: A type of Japanese omelet that is made by rolling together thin layers of seasoned beaten egg.]
What\'s she going on about?
Hmm. well, if you thinly slice daikon radish, could it look like kamaboko? Well, maybe. The texture is completely different though. Daikon radish as tamagoyaki? That\'s a bit of a stretch. The only thing they have in common is the color yellow. Tamagoyaki has that fluffy texture that daikon radish just doesn\'t have at all.
"I see, so Saki-kun, I take it you\'re not very good at Japanese?"
"Uh, well…"
"You should listen to the rakugo story \'Nagaya no Hanami.\'[6] I like that story. Anyway, that\'s not important. What I\'m saying is that I like listening to young people\'s concerns, but I can\'t guarantee that I can give useful advice."
[6: Nagaya no Hanami is a term that refers to a cherry blossom viewing party held in the communal areas of an apartment complex in Japan. It is a popular way for city dwellers to enjoy the cherry blossoms.]
"Can I go home now?"
"Wait. Don\'t leave yet. Didn\'t I say it? If you want to know something specialized, ask an expert. In this case, the expert for your problem would be a clinical psychologist."
"A clinical psychologist...so I should go to a psychiatric clinic then?"
"I can\'t say for sure, so if you think you can\'t solve it on your own, I would recommend you ask an expert, honestly. That said, I can still give you my own thoughts on it."
In a serious tone, Professor Kudou said, "There\'s a condition called codependency."
"Co...dependency?"
***
Codependency─
In romantic stories, codependency was often romanticized or portrayed in a way that appeared beautiful or desirable. In reality, it\'s a problematic condition no different from other addictions like drugs or gambling.
"Codependency is a state where one becomes too dependent on a specific relationship."
"Too dependent on a relationship?"
I still didn\'t quite get it. What did it mean to be dependent on a relationship?
"Originally, it was discovered in the relationship between alcoholics and their families. Let\'s say there\'s a family member who\'s dedicated to supporting the person drinking alcohol. In this case, if the aim is to support the person who can\'t stop drinking, shouldn\'t the main goal be to make them quit drinking?"
"Yeah, I suppose so."
"But what happens if they support them by \'providing money to drink alcohol\'?"
I tried to simulate the scenario in my mind.
If there was no money, they couldn\'t buy alcohol. But if someone gave them money for alcohol, they could buy it. And then they wouldn\'t be able to quit drinking.
"I think it\'s hard to call that support. And... it doesn\'t make sense. Why would they act in a way that enables the person\'s dependence?"
"Let\'s look at it step by step. It\'s clear that alcoholics are dependent on alcohol, right?"
"Well, yeah."
"What\'s difficult to understand is what comes next. Let\'s say the alcoholic relies excessively on their family members to buy alcohol. Take for example a husband who\'s an alcoholic and his wife who\'s his supporter, or vice versa—it doesn\'t matter which way."
"...Okay."
"Even if the supporter\'s life is destroyed to the point of poverty in order to provide money for alcohol, the alcoholic will continue to rely on them for support to keep drinking. This can happen because as long as the supporter continues to provide, the alcoholic will continue to rely on them."
"Because they\'ll continue to rely on them, huh...?"
"Yeah. You could say it makes them feel needed."
"Ah, when you put it that way, I think I kind of understand."
I could understand why it feels good to be needed by others.
I\'m not someone who generally likes being relied on, but it\'s fun to come up with matching outfits for Asamura-kun, and I definitely feel like I\'m someone he needs.
"As long as the support is appropriate, it\'s not a problem. A younger brother relying on his older brother, a junior relying on a senior, or whatever, it\'s generally not a bad thing to take care of those who rely on you. It feels good to be needed, right?"
"Is that true for the teacher who listens to my problems as well?"
"Oh my. Hmm. Let\'s say if I can earn respect by demonstrating my vast knowledge, then there\'s no greater pleasure."
She used a phrase that sounded kinda disingenuous on purpose, didn\'t she?
"Let\'s get back on topic. When support crosses a certain threshold, it can become problematic. Even if someone is living in poverty, continuously providing money for alcohol, just to experience the gratification of being needed, signifies an indulgence in perpetuating that dependent relationship."
"Does that actually happen?"
"It seems so. I\'ve read in books that it does. As I mentioned earlier, my expertise is in ethics, and I\'m just explaining what I understand from that."
"I see. Ask an expert for more details, right?"
"That\'s right. I can\'t determine whether someone is in a dependent state or not. However, I think I understand the basic idea. To continue being relied on—to keep oneself in that state, one can\'t stop even if it destroys their life. It\'s essentially no different from being addicted to alcohol, wouldn\'t you say? You could say they\'re dependent on maintaining that relationship."
"Dependence on maintaining the relationship... Although the objects of dependence may be different, both parties rely on each other, and they are unable to break free from that state. Is that what codependency is?"
"Correct. It\'s more convenient for both parties. The more they demand money for alcohol, the more the other person provides it, so they won\'t stop ever demanding it. On the other hand, the more the supporter provides money, the more the recipient becomes unable to quit drinking, increasing their dependence on the supporter. As a result, the relationship between the two continues and becomes stronger."
While listening, I found myself unconsciously hugging my body with my arms. It\'s a spine-chilling story. It\'s as if we\'re both trapped in each other\'s spider webs, unable to escape from the entanglement.
"However, the problem lies in the excessiveness of dependency to maintain the relationship. It\'s about relying on each other at an inappropriate level. A husband relying on his wife, a wife relying on her husband—there\'s nothing wrong with that in and of itself."
I recalled my Mom once saying that she could rest when she wasn\'t feeling well now because my Stepdad was there. The two of them relied on each other, but I\'d never thought of their relationship as being bad.
"There is a saying that goes \'Too much of anything is as bad as too little.\' The problem lies in excessiveness. Just like alcohol, it\'s best to have it in moderation."
"I get what you\'re saying."
"With the word \'codependency\' becoming more widely known, it\'s often seen in romantic stories these days. Well, most of them are just \'fake codependence,\' though."
"Fake... what do you mean?"
"Well, some of their covers caught my eye so I gave them a read—"
"You read them."
Once again, I\'m sure if she\'s passionate about research or just has too much free time. The third option was she\'s just surprisingly into romance stories.
"—So I gave them a read. The ones I read either had the situation resolved by taking advice from others or fell apart as they were."
"You didn\'t like them?"
"They were interesting, at least. There was one in particular with a heroine I really liked. She had a delightfully broken personality—well, that\'s not the point. The point is no one sought help from a psychiatrist, and they either solved their problems with a single piece of advice or watched themselves fall into ruin without seeking help. It made me want to tear my hair out."
"If it\'s a dependency, go to a professional is what you are saying."
"Correct. Like I said before, it\'s not a job for the village elder. If it could be solved with one piece of advice, it wouldn\'t be a social issue. But in young adult romance stories, it\'s just used as a spice, I guess."
"I see..."
"In my opinion, if it\'s at the \'just for fun\' stage, advice is fine. But if it goes beyond that, it\'s time for a professional to step in. Now, in your case—"
I suddenly remembered, That\'s right, we were talking about Asamura-kun and me.
"Don\'t you think it\'s a common story for someone who wasn\'t blessed with loving parents and is starved for affection to excessively seek their partner\'s affection when they enter a romantic relationship?"
I carefully considered Professor Kudou\'s words.
Excessively seeking affection…
"Excessive" meant more than normal.
"Where does \'normal\' end and \'excessive\' begin?"
"How would an amateur know that? It\'s different for everyone. Even the appropriate amount of alcohol depends on the person."
"That\'s... true, but…"
I held my head in my hands.
Professor Kudou once said that because I didn\'t get enough affection from my biological father I might have sought out a male who happened to be nearby to make up for that deficiency. If I felt like I didn\'t get enough affection deep in my heart, it might\'ve been possible.
A serious Asamura Yuuta deficiency—the conclusion of Ayase Saki\'s court of the mind.
I see. I really need to consider whether I have enough or not.
It should\'ve been enough, but my hunger for it might be so intense that it feels lacking. There\'s always that possibility.
"Do you think Ayase Saki is excessively seeking physical affection from Asamura Yuuta?"
"...Are you asking me as a high school student?"
"Of course not. Forget about the concept of \'being like a high school student\' for now. That\'s just a statistical guideline. If there\'s a difference in physique, even the correct dosage of medication will change. You know how medicine bottles say how many pills to take for children, and how many for people over 15? But what if you\'re over 15 and your body hasn\'t changed since you were a child? The factors that affect chemical reactions in the body are physical and chemical laws, not human age."
"So, there\'s a correct dosage for me?"
"That\'s what it comes down to. It\'s the same for mental health. Even if the psychological development of the vast majority of people follows a similar path, it doesn\'t apply to individuals. Even when making social rules, we have to take statistical errors into account. If someone remains underdeveloped in a certain aspect of their mind even as an adult, we have to treat that part like a child."
I understood what Professor Kudou was trying to say. When you thought about how a child\'s liver couldn\'t handle the same amount of alcohol as an adult\'s, it made sense.
So, is the amount of physical affection I have with Asamura Yuuta too excessive for me?
Because I\'ve been seeking more than the recommended dose, I\'d become dependent on Asamura Yuuta. And when I couldn\'t get a "dose" of that, my mood was off, I became anxious, I couldn\'t sleep and my concentration suffered… Is that it?
Wait, no—
The reverse could also be true, couldn\'t it?
The phenomenon started in my third year of high school. And as was pointed out during the trial in my head, maybe the cause was less physical affection since the start of third year, not excessive consumption, but simply a lack of it.
"I don\'t know anymore..."
Ayase Saki was in a state of confusion.
"That\'s why I\'m telling you, if you\'re really in trouble, rely on a professional. But first, a proper understanding of the current situation is necessary. And if it\'s codependency, it\'s pointless to work through it alone."
It hit me—Oh, I see. Asamura-kun feels the same way too.
"Is there a possibility that Asamura-kun is also in a codependent state? But, he doesn\'t seem to… want it as much as I do… I mean, he\'s a person who\'s good at restraining himself," I said as I looked up at the woman in front of me with upturned eyes.
Professor Kudou elegantly tilted the cup she was holding and took a sip of tea. Her long, slender legs were crossed, she wore her lab coat like a cape, and lounged on the stylish sofa, looking like some Western noble or something.
Her face was well-proportioned, with long eyelashes. If I ignored her hair, which was disheveled because she\'d been lying on the floor, I finally realized that this Professor was actually a very beautiful woman.
She was drinking expensive Gyokuro tea from a regular teacup, though.
She placed the empty cup on the saucer with a clink.
"That\'s exactly what\'s suspicious."
"Huh?"
"Think about it. Why would a high school boy, when a beautiful girl like you is making moves on him, insist on such restrained behavior?"
I was caught off guard by her question. M-me, beautiful?
"Your average high school boy is no different from a horny monkey during puberty. Really, just a monkey."
A m-monkey?
"What does that even mean?"
"It means that he\'s able to avoid making advances because you\'re the one making them. In my opinion, Asamura Yuuta isn\'t the type to actively engage with strangers on his own."
I tried to think about what made Asamura-kun—Asamura-kun.
"But he\'s good at customer service."
"That\'s not a counter-argument. After all, even if people dislike him, they\'re still just customers."
Again, I was caught off guard.
"There are two types of people who excel at customer service. The first type enjoys interacting with others, including the failures and mistakes, as part of the experience itself. The second type is able to make bold moves and statements because nothing bad happens if the relationship-building attempt fails."
"You\'re saying Asamura-kun is the second type?"
"From everything I\'ve heard, it seems that way. When it comes down to it, he probably doesn\'t have many friends"
"Uh…"
Th-that might be true. Other than Maru-kun, who he talks about a lot, he doesn\'t seem to have any close friends. And he doesn\'t seem to be actively trying to make more. I\'m the same way, so I haven\'t really thought much about it.
Thinking back, he never seemed to approach his beautiful Yomiuri-senpai proactively. It was mostly her teasing him. I never really gave it much thought until then because it suited me not to.
"When you develop feelings for someone, it\'s natural to want to make a move. However, making moves on someone directly might be stressful for him."
"Making moves on me is stressful…"
"Asamura Yuuta has a tendency to hold back from being assertive with someone he really cares about and doesn\'t want to hurt. That\'s why he doesn\'t want to change the dynamic of you making moves on him. Even if that means you become dependent on him due to excessive exposure to him. If he takes the initiative, he becomes responsible. He\'ll feel the need to control the situation. He can go with the flow because he leaves it up to you. But for both of you right now, that\'s more convenient. Isn\'t this a fine example of codependency?"
Hmm.
I\'ve never thought of it that way. It really took me by surprise.
Still, I never thought that I, as someone seeking the strength to live independently, would fall into a state of codependency. I didn\'t think it\'s wrong to seek love, and I\'m convinced that the bond I share with Asamura-kun is a happy one. But to think that there\'s still a pitfall even when my desires are fulfilled... Why can\'t human relationships just work out smoothly?
"What should I do?"
"I\'ve said it many times, but if you\'re really in trouble, ask an expert. But before that…"
Professor Kudou stood up from the sofa.
She circled around the table and—like an assassin—came up behind me, placing her hand on the back of the sofa. I felt her presence behind me. She took something out of her pocket and held it in front of my face. She was holding something—a hand mirror.
She wasn\'t just wearing a lab coat, unnecessary for an ethics professor, but also carried a smartphone and a hand mirror in her pocket.
She really is a strange person.
Only my eyes were reflected in the small hand mirror.
"Take a good look."
Ayase Saki in the mirror stared back at me.
"You have horrible bags under your eyes."
Uh...
She\'s right. There were bags under my eyes that couldn\'t be hidden with my light makeup.
Seeing it like that made it obvious. I had them because I\'ve been up late every night studying for midterms…
"Sleep. First, get plenty of sleep. Everything else can wait."
"Yes…"
The Kudou assassin circled the table again and returned to being Professor Kudou. She looked at the empty cup, made a sad face, and then picked up a potato chip. Crunch.
"Uhhh. These are definitely soggier than when they were first opened."
After saying something so trivial, she continued speaking in a tone as if she\'s still talking about her impression on potato chips.
"Then, after waking up, talk to Asamura Yuuta. Reevaluate what the right distance is in your relationship. If necessary, involve your parents too. And if it seems like you can\'t solve it—"
"Ask an expert, right?"
"That\'s right. Well, everything starts with sleep, and then waking up."
And with that, the conversation abruptly ended. It was typical of Professor Kudou not to add a "good luck" at the end.
I stood up from the sofa.
Looking out the window, I saw that it was already getting dark.
"I wonder if it\'s going to rain…"
"Just in case, I\'ll lend you an umbrella."
"No, it\'s okay. I think I can make it home before it rains, and besides, it\'ll be hard for me to return it."
"Just leave it with Yomiuri-kun. You both work at the same place, correct? Do you want to catch a cold here and make your situation even worse?"
"Uh… fine, I\'ll borrow it then."
As I left the university, I received a LINE message from my Mom.
Apparently, my Stepdad had an urgent meeting come up and he wanted me to cook dinner.
I shot back "Got it" and added the supermarket to my route home.
Thankfully, it didn\'t rain.
By the time I arrived at our flat, it was already getting dark. I went to my room and flopped down onto my bed, still in my uniform.
As I stared at the ceiling and thought about everything that happened today, I drifted off to sleep without realizing it.
When I woke up, it was already time for Asamura-kun to return home from work.
In a panic, I rushed to the kitchen.
It might\'ve been because I\'d slept like a baby, but the fog in my head cleared up a bit and I felt a lot better.
***
"It\'s almost been... a year, hasn\'t it?"
During dinner, I started the conversation like that.
Asamura-kun immediately understood that I meant the time since my Mom and I moved in.
We both reminisced about the time we first met.
Then, he opened up to me. About how he\'s had trouble concentrating since starting third year. About his grades dropping. About how he regrets not discussing it with me.
"It\'s been the same for me. I\'ve been struggling too honestly," I said, after hearing him out.
We are both afraid of adjusting to each other.
I opened up to him too. I told him I mustered up the courage to go to Tsukinomiya Women\'s University after school to get Professor Kudou\'s advice about my recent problems.
"I want you to listen to what I learned from talking to her, Asamura-kun. Then, I want us to work through it together. Can we do that?"
I told him about the conversation I had with Professor Kudou.
It was a long, long story, but Asamura-kun listened patiently and didn\'t interrupt.
When the story was over, we both fell silent.
After mulling it over for a bit, Asamura-kun was the first to speak up.
"That\'s a tough pill to swallow…"
"Huh?"
"How did you put it again? \'Asamura Yuuta has a tendency to hold back from being assertive with someone he really cares about and doesn\'t want to hurt\'."
"Ah, I-I\'m sorry."
I\'d repeated what Professor Kudou had said to me verbatim, but in hindsight, it probably came across as pretty rude.
"No, you don\'t need to apologize. It\'s true."
"Really?"
"I don\'t feel confident that someone will keep liking me," Asamura-kun said, looking down.
"Is that... because of your mother?"
"Probably. I vaguely remember that she used to get along well with my dad when I was very young. But at some point, she started complaining about every single thing he did."
So that\'s what happened…
"But, honestly, I didn\'t really notice my dad changing his attitude midway. So, what was my dad supposed to do, anyway? When I think about it, I have no idea how to approach someone I don\'t want to hurt. In that case, maybe it\'s just easier not to get too involved in deep relationships at all."
"That\'s... but that\'s such a waste, isn\'t it? I mean, you get along well with Maru-kun, right? Or do you think that you\'ll break up someday too?"
"It might."
Hearing his strained voice, my heart ached.
"That\'s not true…"
"I think I\'m afraid. Of being disliked. I don\'t need friends or lovers if it means breaking up at some point. I think those are my true feelings. That\'s why I want to keep my distance from others and not be assertive. But if that\'s making your situation worse… What should I do?"
"Calm down, Asamura-kun."
I reached out across the table and placed my hand on top of his, gently stroking it.
"It\'s not you who should be apologizing, it\'s me."
"Ayase-san?"
"I feel the same way as you. I just act the opposite way. Because I don\'t have confidence in my connection with others, I end up clinging to you."
"I see."
"I push too hard, you pull away. But even though we react differently, aren\'t we both just neglecting to adjust to each other?"
"Finding the right distance, huh... Somehow it doesn\'t feel much different from when we went to Singapore."
I shook my head.
It\'s not like that. I want to believe it\'s not like that.
"Looking back now, I feel like our relationship was relatively stable during our second year. Plus, I don\'t regret the fact that we confessed to each other."
"Likewise."
What he said just now made me feel very happy. My heart felt lighter.
"You remember what we decided on our trip to Singapore at the end of February, right? To just act more normal with each other."
Asamura-kun nodded.
"Anyway, when we became third years, we ended up in the same class. I was really happy about it, but on the day of the opening ceremony, I said that we should only act like regular classmates at school. Do you remember?"
That\'s when it all started I think.
"It was me who said that."
I quietly shook my head.
"No, I\'m just as bad for going along with it. I just casually said "Okay" without thinking it through. Also, aren\'t we supposed to be more than just classmates? Isn\'t it a bit strange for us to act like that now?"
"Yeah... I guess. It might be a bit strange now you mention it."
But then, what should we do? That\'s the tricky part.
If we took a step back and looked at the bigger picture, everything would make sense.
Firstly, Asamura-kun and I had never discussed what a "Normal relationship between classmates" should even be. So we ended up acting really weird around each other at school.
Not making eye contact.
Not talking.
Isn\'t that how students who hate each other behave?
It just wasn\'t normal.
"Like, we haven\'t even said \'good morning\' or \'goodbye\' to each other for the past two months."
"Ahhh, don\'t remind me. I just realized how weird that is too."
"Also, at home, even knowing Mom and Stepdad are around, we kiss, hug, and sleep together... Is that normal?"
Asamura-kun finally slumped down on the desk. I understand how he feels. At that moment I wanted to bury my face in a pillow and flail around.
Asamura-kun suddenly lifted his head.
I flinched and involuntarily tensed up.
But he hadn\'t meant to startle me.
"I give up…" He muttered in a quiet voice
"We really have been acting pretty strange, haven\'t we?"
"I think so. I didn\'t notice it until now though."
"Right. I didn\'t notice it either. But then how do we fix our relationship?"
"I have an idea."
As I talked about the past six months, a light bulb went off in my head.
"Do you remember when I called you \'Nii-san\'?"
As the words left my mouth, Asamura-kun lowered his eyes slightly. I felt a small pang of pain in my heart seeing him react like that.
"Ah, last year... summer, right?" He said with a pained expression.
"Yeah... it was after we went to the pool, so it must have been summer."
I\'d deliberately called him that to make him seem more like a brother and to suppress my feelings for him.
The result was—
"In the end, it had the opposite effect. I ended up becoming more conscious of you."
"Interesting. So I was like a smartphone to you."
"Huh?"
Seeing I was confused, Asamura-kun told me about an experiment using smartphones.
Apparently, the closer a smartphone was within reach, the more our attention was drawn to it. The human brain uses a lot of power to not think about something in front of us.
Did that mean my attempt to deliberately push away the person I had feelings for actually make me more conscious of them?
"I think that\'s what it means."
"But if that\'s true, then it means that the way we address each other has a big impact on how conscious we are of each other, doesn\'t it?"
Asamura-kun immediately nodded in agreement.
"Alright, so, if we want to have the right distance, we need to choose what to call each other."
"Yeah. When you call me \'nii-san\', my brain seems to translate it as \'someone I should never like.\' But at the time I already liked you. So it was painful."
"Mm. I shouldn\'t have called you that."
I nodded.
"I think there are two main problems we\'re facing right now. The abnormal distance between us when we\'re at school, and our intense closeness when we\'re at home."
"Both are problems, for sure."
"I figured it wouldn\'t hurt to first try and establish the right distance between us, so we can work out if we\'re in a codependent relationship or not."
Asamura-kun nodded.
"Hey, what do couples call each other?"
"That... depends on the individuals, I guess. Well, I think using first names is pretty common."
It\'s just like him to come up with a rationale right away. And when he started explaining his logic, the hesitant expression he had earlier disappeared.
"I think calling someone by their first name shows that you recognize them as an independent individual with their own sense of self. Surnames refer to the family group you belong to, but names are used to identify individuals. Love isn\'t about the family you belong to, it\'s about the person you\'re with."
"Yeah, I agree."
That\'s how it was in modern Japan, at least. It wasn\'t like you were marrying into the family. Ideally, it should be that way though.
And I agreed with Asamura-kun\'s take. I felt that way when I visited Asamura\'s family home over New Year. Ah, everyone here is an \'Asamura\'. So if I called out "Asamura-kun," they\'d all turn around at once.
There were way too many Asamuras\'.
But the Asamura I want to have a proper relationship with is Asamura Yuuta.
"So, to be more like a normal couple, it should be something like \'Yu…\' um, \'Yuuta-kun,\' not \'Asamura-kun.\'
"So I\'d call you \'Saki-san\' then."
He\'d called me that a few times before, but my heart felt lighter and warmer the moment "Saki" fell from his lips. Just him saying my name made me feel so—
My previous mood disappeared to who-knows-where, and my cheeks loosened.
Clearing my throat, I said, "We need to close the distance at school, so I think we should aim for that. What do you think?"
"Yeah, I agree. I mean... there are guys at school who call girls by their first names, right?"
"What, really? There are people who do that?"
"There are... But I guess you didn\'t notice?"
Asamura\'s words once again made me realize how little attention I paid to others\' words and actions. There\'ve been times when I believed that as long as I could control myself, I didn\'t need to care about what was happening around me.
"I didn\'t know... Alright, we have to find a chance to use each other\'s first names. If we suddenly change what we call each other tomorrow, it\'ll be weird."
"I have an idea for that."
It\'s Asamura-kun\'s turn.
"What is it...?"
"Reflecting on this situation, I realized I tried to solve everything by myself even when I couldn\'t. I should rely more on others as you did with your university Professor," Asamura-kun said with a self-deprecating smile.
"I think I\'m the same way. If the note hadn\'t been in my bag, I\'m not sure I would have gone out of my way to go see her."
"If it were me, I might not have even bothered to look for the note. But I realized it\'s not okay to be like that. There\'s someone I know who I could rely on in times like these. I\'ll just ask him how to use a girl\'s first name in a normal way."
"Got it. I\'ll leave that to you then. Now, the remaining issue is how we behave in this house… We need to create a bit more distance, right? Otherwise, I\'ll want to touch you more and more even at home. So—"
I took a deep breath.
"Nii-san. I want to call you that again."
"Really…? Why?"
"Nii-san\' and \'Imouto\' are titles that reflect our positions, right? I think it\'s useful to objectively define our roles. But, you see…"
Now we get to the heart of the matter.
"If that\'s all it is, it feels like we\'re denying the entire last year together. Just thinking about it stresses me out."
"I feel the same way. When I remember how I felt back then, it was stressful in its own way. Alright then, what should we do?"
"Okay, so, I came up with a way for us to address each other that\'s more familiar than using our names, but not as intimate as \'brother.\'
I really hoped Asamura-kun would accept my proposal.
"How about \'Yuuta-niisan\'?"
After considering my suggestion for a while, Asamura-kun slowly nodded.
"If you want. But what should I do? Didn\'t Professor Kudou say that my problem is I\'m not assertive enough with someone I care about and don\'t want to hurt? So basically I need to be more assertive in our relationship… Not that I don\'t want to, though."
"I get what you\'re saying. But if I distance myself, Asamura... uh, I mean, Yuuta-niisan, I think you\'ll be able to judge the right distance and come closer on your own. So, it\'ll be alright."
"I\'m not confident…"
"Practice makes perfect, right, Yuuta-niisan?"
Asamura sighed and raised his head. He shrugged his shoulders as if to say, "Oh well."
"Got it. Aya—Saki."
"Agh…"
"Hm?"
"N-nothing."
He\'d surprised me as I thought he\'d call me "Saki-san," but he suddenly dropped the honorific all together.
I couldn\'t tell him that, so I gave him an awkward smile and played it off.
My heart was pounding.
After that, we continued eating.
We talked about what we wanted to be in the future.
We couldn\'t really imagine what kind of job we wanted in the future, but we concluded that we\'d work hard towards getting into university first.
To do that, we decided to aim for the ideal relationship we originally had in mind, instead of the overly comfortable, excessively touchy one we had.
My heart felt lighter, and the lingering haze in my head seemed to clear.
From tomorrow on, I\'d be a lover at school and a sister at home.
My new life as a Stepsister was about to begin.
Please take care of me, Yuuta-niisan.